blahs

It’s been
difficult enough having to plan and make decisions all by yourself but not
having someone
give you the time of day to call and ask how you’re doing is just reallyyyy sad.

Don’t we
all have that moment of need? The need to hear from someone – be it thru txt, phone
call or a visit and know that we’re missed? When people we thought we could
rely to during our down times couldn’t be there for us, it’s so easy to feel you’re
alone.

Is it wrong
to expect certain things from certain people (and relationships)? Aber?

As I was going through my case folders today, I recalled an interview I did with one client in particular. She was only 19 years old, an immigrant from Vietnam and had just given birth to her first child. She was trying to apply for some cash assistance. During the course of the interview, I had learned she’s never held a job, never finished high school and didn’t really have much of a plan with her life. She would respond to some of my questions with a blank stare which got me worried if I wasn’t asking as clearly as I should be. When I asked her why the absent parent info on the form is blank, she replied she didn’t know who the father is. Usually when clients say that, they either did not understand the question, or they’re not telling the truth. I explained to her that we needed for her to cooperate and if answering that question puts her in danger in any way, that we could giver her a waiver. With no reservations, she told me she didn’t need a waiver, she just didn’t know the father.

Shocked by her answer, I tried to control my reaction. I had wanted to ask so much more but due to
my amateur interview skills, I did not know how. I was more worried on a personal level, but since she wasn’t a minor and I’m not a social worker, all I was required to do is to refer her to Dept. of Child Support and offer her counseling and domestic violence resources. I was warned by my senior workers that there would be a million other unusual cases that by my 100th interview, it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

It’s so
hard to break away from old habits. This couldn’t have been truer than this
morning, when I was struggling to wake up at 6am. In my mind I thought I never
had to wake up this early when I was in college. Although I had 7am classes
back then, I would come to class 15-30 mins late and was able to get away with
it.

 About 3
wks ago, I started carpooling with a co-worker. Because she picks me up at
6:45am, I have to set 3 alarms to ensure I would able to get ready on time. My
first alarm at 5:30am, allows me time to turn it off and get extra 30 mins of
sleep. The second alarm gives me another extra 15 and the 3rd alarm is just a
back-up in case I sleep thru the first and second alarm. Of course it doesn’t
really help when you know you had set the time 20 minutes ahead. Although work
doesn’t actually start until 8am, my carpoolmate is an early bird and as for me, it removes the hassle of having to drive and find parking.
So it sort of works out okay for the both of us. I surely hope tomorrow wouldn’t be such a struggle.

Okey…so how does one look back to living 26 years and feel like not much has been accomplished? I have always feared feeling this way that every birthday, I would pray so hard for God to skip the date…

When I was seventeen, I saw 26 as being "old". I don’t feel any older though. In fact, I still get that "look" from people when I tell them my age. The reactions have been predictable and my reply had become automatic. Everytime I would go to a bar or a casino, I am always asked to show proof that I am over 21. I am learning to accept that perhaps my face would catch up with my age when I’m in my thirties. We’ll have to wait and see…

The past few weeks (and months) have been especially challenging due to major decisions I’ve had to make. On top of the everyday stresses of life and adjusting to a new job, I’ve also been doin my own wedding planning. And boy, its not THAT easy at all. I realized that I had overestimated my own management skills. Its sooo BUDLAY gali! Maybe this kind of stress will finally make me look my age??? We’ll have to wait and see…